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Earlier today, I picked up Shepherd at his new school. It’s his first time going every morning and at a real, elementary school. While I was in the office dropping off the millionth piece of paperwork that this whole deal requires, the secretary kindly asked me how the transition was going. I started telling her about how it’s been hard, he’s having a hard time with how “loud and crazy” the other kids are, I am not sure if he has sensory stuff going on, I am not sure what I am doing as a mom, it feels weird and confusing, and I feel like I should be a responsible adult and stick with it, but mostly I just want to give up too because I also hate going there every morning. At this point (school pickup and still in this current moment), I had not yet showered, dressed, or applied an ounce a makeup or 5 seconds of primping. (Fun side story: the other night I got in bed and go to my husband, “The good thing about what I am wearing right now is that I can get up in the morning and not have to change.” HA! For those of you that have been keeping on my blog…Today, I’m wearing 50 shades of gray. Winter is delightful in the one fact that my coat hides everything.) Anyways, as the conversation continued, the secretary’s discomfort was beginning to show. My response and continued conversation was seemingly not welcomed. It was becoming apparent to me that this was one of those times when you’re just supposed to say “good” and move on. Oops. And that is fine, the elementary school secretary is not my counselor, I get it. However, for a brief moment in there, she mentioned her kids. She said they were in their twenties, and she insinuated that she still didn’t have it figured out. I am finding connection, inviting other people in, and love difficult. I see specks of beauty and authenticity more than ever, but it also feels really uncomfortable and confusing. When are people asking me questions so I can actually answer them, and when am I just supposed to say “good”? Are we really caring about each other well when we live at the surface? How do we ask hard questions gracefully, and not leave human carnage in the times when our anger, frustration, and fear blazes like wild fire? Is there really such a thing as TMI when you’re just trying to find your place in this world, trying to connect, trying to go deeper? What does it look like to love well? How do we communicate love? How do we connect? Life is confusing and so is love. 

the confusion of love

why is it so hard to surrender our answers
to made up equations

that even if they were real
only end in mystery

as if life and humanity
emotions and passions
the eternity of time
are all under the control of
our frivolous and insatiable
our covetous and stingy

that our path is certain
confidence and achievement like diamonds
unaware of the injustice of their origin
unquestioning we remain in our fabricated certainty
isn’t it?
finding our home in

seeking only ourselves
finding only vexation in the invitation that we seek


remains incomprehensible

we remain
in the certainty of our answers
in the authority of our equations
in the discomfort of invitation
in the confusion of love


photos by:
david ragusa https://unsplash.com/@davideragusa
roman mager https://unsplash.com/@roman_lazygeek
tim marshall https://unsplash.com/@timmarshall